Teen Development & Parenting
For those students who choose to attend college, the decision of where to attend – and why – is a big one. Whether down the street or across the country, community college or public university, so much time and effort is involved in making this multifaceted decision for the student. However, there is another component to this process that has gained visibility in recent years, and one that I have come to focus my approach on: the family.
Parents have become a larger part of the college conversation in the last ten years or so, with parent programs at new student orientations and jokes laced in to welcome addresses about helicopter and lawnmower parents. But the issue lies in that the family’s role isn’t nurtured or taken seriously in a manner that builds healthy relationships throughout the family and supports the student in the best possible way.
Family dynamics and cohesion is the overarching theme for understanding the nuances of the parent-child relationship during a developmental transition like entering young adulthood. Consistently, research shows that cohesion and connection within the family prior to and during adolescence play a major role in how the student transitions to college and their quality of well-being and how the parent-child relationship progresses.
Existing research suggests that almost a quarter of college-bound students work with an IEC during the college admissions process. IECs usually work collaboratively with school counselors to best meet the needs of the student and often provide reprieve to school counselors who are burdened with sizable caseloads and complex student records. It was not always a cooperative effort, however. With educational consulting being a fairly new profession, it wasn’t until the 2000s that IECs were seen as reputable and not there to undercut the respectable work that school counselors were doing). Mark Sklarow, the executive director of the Independent Educational Consultants Association, shares that today’s teen provides a unique challenge for IECs. Mood disorders, anxiety, depression, gaming addictions, eating disorders, and others have grown in recent years, often prompting parents to seek the additional time and attention that IECs can provide their student and family.
The Adolescent Transition to Emerging Adulthood
The shift from high school to college is a significant phase in a teen’s life as it is coupled with major developmental changes. Among sleep struggles and technology addictions, late adolescence and emerging adulthood is often perceived as a time when teenagers distance themselves from their parents; on the contrary, it has been found that adolescents value the connection with their parents and family and yearn to maintain those relationships. There is a decline in family cohesion once children reach adolescence, likely due to the want for independence and time spent with friends; but even through the rise in disagreements and hostility, teens and parents still naturally crave a healthy and supportive relationship. At late adolescence, levels of family cohesion often regain their pre-adolescence status, and familial relationships continue to provide nurture and connection in the young adult’s development even years after high school.
Parental Involvement and Support During Emerging Adulthood
Family relationships, such as the parent-child relationship, are largely considered non-voluntary relationships and fairly unchanging. That is, until the child enters the emerging adult life stage. While moving into young adulthood, teens begin to explore new identities and try new things while shifting their attention away from relationships and family and shifting inwards toward themselves.
As they move into this new identity formation stage, there is often an inexplicable “in between” time when they still rely on their parents, but also feel they are independent adults and have difficulty understanding their role in the parent-child relationship. For example, many young adults in this stage feel they still need their parents’ advice but will begin asking more and more infrequently. Many emerging adults still rely on financial assistance and emotional support while still attempting to be independent. This unusual time has been coined relationship or relational uncertainty. The transition to adulthood is not something that occurs quickly. It is not a path that is clearly defined nor is it the same for every individual or every family. This extended time for evolution causes relational uncertainty to be lengthy and drawn out.
The ambiguity can cause uncertainty for parents too; they often preserve their parental obligations in some areas longer than necessary, such as wanting to be involved in personal information as the student goes to college. The emerging adults in this situation find themselves full of tension and ambiguity about the parent-child relationship as they are unsure what is appropriate to continue disclosing to their parents and what should become private. Consequently, parents find themselves pushing a little harder in providing support, causing the child to feel even more uncomfortable and uncertain.
As the emerging adult moves further through the transition, the relationship with their parents shifts usually one of two ways: into a friendship-like bond, or it can become estranged or distanced. Regardless, a reorganization of roles within the relationship is necessary as identities and responsibilities change in both the child’s life and the parents’ lives. As there’s no simple outline to understanding the parent-child relationship as it evolves, defining those roles or identifying the level of involvement is often difficult and can trigger emotional distancing on the part of the emerging adult. Confusion in how to shift the relationship to more of a friendly one can instigate tension, with a series of needing support, then needing autonomy ensuing.
With all of this uncertainty felt by both the emerging adult and the parents, the emerging adult may see the parents as unwilling to acknowledge their child’s newfound independence. These feelings lead to parental interference – which may not be true interference, but is understood by the child as the parent intruding in their life. The child can feel frustrated and out of control of the situation and the evolving relationship, completely rescinding any level of influence the parents once had in their life. For instance, a simple recommendation of what course to enroll in for the next semester suddenly becomes an intrusion by the parents rather than helpful.
With every family dynamic and relationship being different, and the transition being extensive, the family often eventually finds a balance that works for both the emerging adult and the parents. Through the transition, the dyad might find itself too far on the parental dependence or interference side, and then moving too far to the emotional distancing and autonomy side. A healthy parent-child relationship finds itself in a place where both parents and child feel comfortable with the levels of dependence and autonomy continuing through the transition during college and beyond.
Teen Development and the Parent-Child Relationship
The idea that adolescents distance themselves from their parents, but actually do seek closeness and merely don’t know how to communicate it, is a difficult concept to explain to a parent who is struggling in their relationship with their child. I know - it sounds like a bizarre attempt at explaining a teenager’s in-flux hormones and behaviors. But, in fact, the literature confirms that something as simple as “confusion” is often causing the growing scarcity of intimacy. This theme of simply trying to understand a teenager’s behavior while navigating a taxing time – either purely the transition to adulthood, or the transition to college – is a common one that I’ve experienced with multiple families.
The research and literature consistently validate the significance of the parent-child relationship and the role that parents play in their children’s lives, especially during the adolescent years. It demonstrates that levels of family cohesion may decrease depressive symptoms in new college students and increase overall levels in well-being, and that a healthy parent-child relationship may serve as a buffer to the adverse outcomes of great developmental changes such as the college transition. Parent and familial relationships remain imperative through adolescence and beyond.
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More on Teen Development & Parenting
Letter to a Parent of a High School Freshman
Letter to a Parent of a High School Sophomore
Letter to a Parent of a High School Junior
Letter to a Parent of a High School Senior
Role of Parents in the College Admissions Process
Adolescent Transition to Adulthood