The Role of Parents in the College Admissions Process

So you’ve got the helicopter parents, who “hover” and take an excessive interest in their child’s life.  Then you’ve got the lawnmower parents, who “mow down” any obstacle in their child’s life. You can’t forget about the free-range parents, who believe children need to figure things out on their own and will become better independent adults because of it.

Which one are you?

I’m actually kidding.  These silly names for various parenting styles and strategies do nothing but try to fit parents in tiny boxes and negatively stereotype them.

Stereotypical parenting nicknames aside, how do you determine exactly how involved to get in the process when you child is applying for college?

Balance Is Key

It’s important to maintain a healthy relationship with your student (and your entire family) as you enter what is often a stressful time.  Of course you’re concerned about ensuring they meet deadlines, know what they’re doing, and go to the right school for them. But smothering them with stress and requirements, you’re creating an unhealthy environment where they may not even feel comfortable sharing how they’re feeling with you.  If you take on all the responsibility yourself, you aren’t allowing them to learn the independent necessary to succeed in college. You could also just ignore it completely and leave it to your student to do themselves. This doesn’t make them feel independent, but instead creates isolation and the feeling that you don’t care about their future plans.

Your input, advice, and involvement sends a strong message that you care and that you support them in everything that they do!

Let Your Child Lead

I always use the following metaphor when describing the changes in family dynamics you’ll begin experiencing.  When your child was much younger, you were in the driver’s seat while they sat in the back seat. Your job was to get them where they needed to go safely while they sat in the back eating cheerios without a care in the world.  As they grew older, they moved to the front passenger seat. You were still in the driver’s seat, but they had more of a say in where you went. As they approach college, the seats have shifted. Your child is now the driver, and you are the guide in the passenger seat next to them.  You still have quite a bit of a say in where they’re driving, but they’re ready to make decisions for their own life.

As an example, no, you might not want to call admissions offices with your laundry list of questions without your student knowing.  If you have questions or concerns, instead share those with your student and encourage a phone call on speaker phone where you can hear the conversation between the student and the staff member on the other line.  Alternatively, be upfront with the admissions office and let them know both the student and the parent are on the line with a few questions you’d both like to hear the answers to. This way, your student is still leading the way, but you are guiding them and still feeling comfortable with the process.

Name That Role

If you really want to put a name to it, we can use some great analogies.  Almost 20 years ago, the College Board described three appropriate roles a parent could take on to support their child.

Coaches always offer high levels of encouragement, but you never see them getting in the game to play for the child.  No matter how much they are struggling, a good coach shows faith in the child but doesn’t take over.

In business, consultants offer opinions and advice based on their experience and training, but the company chooses whether or not to take the consultant’s advice.  Good or bad, the company decides what they feel is best for them.

Executive secretaries are often the backbone of an office environment.  They might put together necessary materials for a proposal, support their boss in various ways, handle the logistics of a project, and keep track of schedules and deadlines on the team’s calendar.  They’re usually behind the scenes, but ensuring all is moving along smoothly.

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As an educational consultant with a background in family studies, I help families to navigate all of these changes in dynamics.  I offer free consultations and look forward to working with your family!